you, in my head

Fog, smoke, steam, scent. That is how you are in my head and my body. You permeate everything, I cannot help but breath you in because you surround me. I take you with me every where I go. Flowing through my blood stream, a seemingly innocuous phenomenon, you fill every molecule. I can see you when you are not here, I can taste you when are not here. I simply breathe and you are with me. In your presence I am content. You are with me when I stand still looking at a flowing stream. Your presence is in the music circulating through my ears.

    How did it happen? Why? Did I give you permission to come into my heart? Did you beguile me and charm me into letting you in? I think so. You enticed me with your words, your beauty, your scent. And here you are, living inside of me. Here with me, even when you are not. Did you smile to yourself when you felt me succumb to you? I think so. I carry that smile with me, on my own lips. I walk through stores smiling. I lay in my bed, alone and I am smiling.  I drive in my car and I smile, feeling your touches still lingering on my skin.

    My patience and faith led me here. I was distracted and left my gate ajar and you slipped in. First your cerulean eyes beckoned and I was curious. Then your voice closed the door behind me. My lungs took a deep breath and plunged further and there I was in your arms. Your softly strong arms. Arms that I feel caressing my shoulders while I write this and you are far away.

Napoleon said to Josephine, “I have seen only, I have admired only you, I have desired only you.” I add, “I have breathed only you.”

hope

When I left my sandals off I did not think the stone floor would be so cold. With only my habit on I am shivering with cold or maybe it is my fear. My body is cold from the inside out, I am trembling. It is her that will make me well again when I feel the warmth of her. Traveling these old halls, I have been here all my life, well, the life that I remember. Since I was brought here by a very old man I have lived in this place, this crumbling old castle that has also been a monastery and an abbey. The halls have heard my footsteps from tiny toddler footsteps navigating, to older ones in their sparse sandals as they travel from prayer to task to those of my newly adult steps. I am considered adult now and I will soon be taking my vows. I have not known any other life, or love or affection. Any human contact has been perfunctory or not allowed. We do not talk here, share stories or feelings. We serve only God.

       I do not feel different. I feel as I have always, curious, happy, safe and secure. I did not think there was anything else so I made my world happy. The only difference between child and adult is that I must make a permanent choice on the path of my life but how could I have made any other choice? Prayers and religious work is all I have done. I have never even been outside the walls of this old building. But... something has been missing, I did not know what it was until she was brought here. She and her companions are  traveling to another abbey. When we met in the kitchen to prepare food I felt that her soul reach out to me. To me, not to God. How could that be? Desires I did not know existed are now coursing through me. Excitement enters my veins when I see her pass in the hall. Is this friendship? Is it love? I do not know but I must find out and so I take this risk. Out of my room wandering the halls could bring me the lash. I am willing to risk it.

       One more turn and I will be near her door, the walls I am touching to guide my path in the dark are smooth, years of humans have passed through here, touching and walking the very spot I am. I did not dare to take a candle with me, someone is always up, they would see the light and find me here, naked in just my habit, bare head and bare feet. I should go back now, this moment, before it is too late. I won't. Not even fear of the punishment can make me go back- we will not be found out! We will not. How can something that makes one feel so happy be so wrong. God would not do that to his children.

       Here it is and I can smell the faint scent of lavender that she pinned to the door. We had agreed upon this so that I may be sure I am at the right door in the blackness of the castle night. Scratching slightly on the door I hear her scratch back and then quietly, excitedly she opens her door and I creep in. I grab her hand in the darkness and she grips mine in return. Softly we slide to her tiny cot and sit down together. We kiss each others hands in the darkness. With the blackness of night I am a blind person. I caress and kiss her smooth delicate skin, there is a faint scent of lavender on them. I have only touch and smell as we cannot see and we cannot speak.

       We slip closer to each other, I can feel her little trembles through her habit. We clumsily find each others face and I smooth her hair away from her face and she slips her delicate fingers behind my neck. Due to my vows I no longer have hair. Soon her head will be shaved also to honor our God. After several attempts we find each others lips. Her lips so moist, so thick and I kiss them passionately. She timidly returns mine and I hold her closer, assuring her with my arms around her that she is safe with me.

       Kissing no longer satisfies me. I have to feel her, touch her, know her. I gently pull at her habit and she helps me to take off my habit. We slip under her thin blanket and hold each other,  I kiss her cheeks, her nose and nuzzle my face in her neck. She eagerly returns her passion to me and I am emboldened, I begin to explore the rest of her body. Because she is so timid she follows my lead and caresses my body. Now I am done, I can never return to my place, laying with her there can be no future in this place. I only desire a future with her.

       We have both been deprived, since childhood. We did not grow up with mothers and fathers and siblings. We both have only known this religious life. Why did no one tell me of this thing, this passion that is coursing through my blood? The feel of her skin, her smell and now her taste. I wash her with my tongue. I want to taste every part of her. I want to lay with her every day of my life. This is magic that is in the room. The world does not exist outside her door.

       She caresses me and delicately strokes my thighs. I want to scream in ecstasy. I feel her warm breath on my body and I touch her and desire her flesh. I want to possess her but I do not yet realize that she already possesses me. We are done, I will die if I have to part from her for even a day. I hear the sound of small animals outside the window, creatures from the forest. That is where we should be together. I try to whisper in her ear of my love for her but she quiets my mouth with her finger tips. Finally we join together and are released. I lay next to her listening to the sound of her gentle breathing.

       Strength and will power help to put my habit back on and slip out of her room. Stealing down the corridors I find my way back to my room, my lonely cot in a dark and dank building. I awake with a start. I can hear voices in the yard below my window. When  look out I see the nuns are leaving us and returning to their journey. She is with them. They leave and the gate is closed behind them. I fall to the ground as my heart sinks into my gut. She has left me. Any hope I had has left and I will be stuck in this religious order for the rest of my life. A priest, a lonely priest.

tree and vine

A delicate fragrant vine that curls and coils and furls around you, soft petals caress your skin, leaves tickle you.

A big strong tree with rough bark seems so invulnerable but the tree quivers.

Tree limbs hold the vine tightly but never choking, the vine responds by gliding up, around, gently lifting, slightly squeezing.

“I am yours. Take me, love me, I will always cover you with love.” the vine whispers so only the tree hears the promise.

“Sometimes I am rough, I do not always understand my strength, I hold you in my boughs and promise to shade you and support you.”

“Together we make a small world, my flower caressing your limb, your leaves touch my stems and shake me to my roots.”

“I will step lightly around your roots but stand firm beside you.”

sometimes love is sad

Torrents of rain from the sky pour down to meet the waves as they touch the beach. Today there is only one creature willing to withstand the worst of the storm on the beach. The sea animals are far out at sea. The sand crabs have buried themselves deep in the safety of the beach; broken pieces of seaweed are strewn about the sand. The lone creature is a solitary man walking slowly along the edge of the water. Oblivious to the wet, brutal weather, he is not in a hurry to get away.  The storm has attracted him and it is trying to engulf him and take him as one of its own. Walking close to the waves his boots and his leggings are drenched but he stays near the water, taunting it, daring it to grab him. Wind whips his cape around his body but he keeps his arms, fists clenched, firmly at his sides.  In the midst of the cold spray of rain and ocean waves crashing the only warmth is hot tears stinging down his face. He will not wipe them away. All around him is gray and blue, the ocean, the waves, the sky, the sand. His body and his mind are gray and blue. Cold is seeping in his body. Wet hair now plastered to his head drips into his eyes. He feels he will never be warm again. Kicking at waves and seaweed, his feet are wet but he continues. He will stay here in this frigid place until he is sick and cannot get well. Maybe he will just fall down and let the waves take him out, away from the agony of his heart. The sobbing and crying will not cease and his body quakes and shivers as he instinctively gasps for air. There are cries of desolation from his throat. She is gone but he is here. She has no pain but he is in agony. No one answers his questions, no one can. Pleading, begging, for answers he then bargains for his own life, take it away, it is no good anymore. Wind rushes down from the cliff and takes his cries away out to the ocean. No one will hear those words now or ever. Dropping to his knees at the shoreline, there will be no dog or woman to rescue him. Ocean waves are lapping at his legs and calling to him like Sirens, “come we will take you now…”

What Would It Take

It would take a man with rough hands that’s to lift my spirits. I huge man with wide shoulders and an immense chest that I could burrow my head in until all of this was gone. Gone away for ever. His hands would be on my back holding me tenderly to him. A limp and spent fabric doll, no strength left, all that I would be able to do would be to let my head fall back and be consumed with kisses all over my neck. I can almost smell him, he would smell of cologne, spicy/sweet and maybe a tiny bit of sweat. I want someone to feel me again, know me, all my secrets, I want to melt into oblivion for hours. Hands and fingers touching me, feeling me, massaging my aching flesh. How my skin hurts, waiting in anguish for human touch.
Floating under your warm body I am starving for sustenance so I arch my hips to meet yours. You have the power to release these pains that have been controlling my body. My lungs will be full of air, a sensation that has been lost for years, I will hold my shoulders back to let more air in them and to let more of you on me. What is this feeling in my head? The vice that was squeezing my brain is gone, the rope around my neck does not burn, my shoulders have released neck and my neck has released my head. They can flow easily. No longer are they a single, solid unit. Strands of ribbon have become my arms, free from their tyrant Stress. I do not know where I end and you begin. I am consuming you.
A willowy, wispy figure in smoke is rising and swirling around. That is me, passion flowing outwards to wrap around you and hold you to me. I am bringing you into my folds, experiencing you inside, outside of me. You think you are taking me but it is I who is taking you. My spirit cloaks you with warmth and love. This passion cannot be without love. You must love me as I do you, open you eyes, look at me, speak with your eyes while you are consuming me.

blue eyes

I open my eyes into a sea of blue. Enveloped in warmth, the sensation of gentle sunshine all over my skin. Your cocoon arms swaddle me. We are gently rolling together as one. One single being, sole existence in the world. Visually touring your body, my eyes glide over your flesh. Why wasn’t it like this in the other lives?

Peachy

I feel dee-licious. I feel just like a tree fresh, plump, juicy peach. I know that I am pleasing to your senses and I love knowing it. Feel how I get softer as you insinuate yourself in me. I am honored by desire for me.

Delicious Secrets

Delicious secrets from you to me. Delicious secrets that I can taste over and over again. Taste lingers in my brain and I am fulfilled again. Only you. Only I. Words spoken in my ear, whispered to me, only to me. The smells, the feelings, sights cannot be tasted by anyone else. Like smooth chocolate rolling in my mouth, your secrets are delicious. I am hungry for more. Feed me.