hope

When I left my sandals off I did not think the stone floor would be so cold. With only my habit on I am shivering with cold or maybe it is my fear. My body is cold from the inside out, I am trembling. It is her that will make me well again when I feel the warmth of her. Traveling these old halls, I have been here all my life, well, the life that I remember. Since I was brought here by a very old man I have lived in this place, this crumbling old castle that has also been a monastery and an abbey. The halls have heard my footsteps from tiny toddler footsteps navigating, to older ones in their sparse sandals as they travel from prayer to task to those of my newly adult steps. I am considered adult now and I will soon be taking my vows. I have not known any other life, or love or affection. Any human contact has been perfunctory or not allowed. We do not talk here, share stories or feelings. We serve only God.

       I do not feel different. I feel as I have always, curious, happy, safe and secure. I did not think there was anything else so I made my world happy. The only difference between child and adult is that I must make a permanent choice on the path of my life but how could I have made any other choice? Prayers and religious work is all I have done. I have never even been outside the walls of this old building. But... something has been missing, I did not know what it was until she was brought here. She and her companions are  traveling to another abbey. When we met in the kitchen to prepare food I felt that her soul reach out to me. To me, not to God. How could that be? Desires I did not know existed are now coursing through me. Excitement enters my veins when I see her pass in the hall. Is this friendship? Is it love? I do not know but I must find out and so I take this risk. Out of my room wandering the halls could bring me the lash. I am willing to risk it.

       One more turn and I will be near her door, the walls I am touching to guide my path in the dark are smooth, years of humans have passed through here, touching and walking the very spot I am. I did not dare to take a candle with me, someone is always up, they would see the light and find me here, naked in just my habit, bare head and bare feet. I should go back now, this moment, before it is too late. I won't. Not even fear of the punishment can make me go back- we will not be found out! We will not. How can something that makes one feel so happy be so wrong. God would not do that to his children.

       Here it is and I can smell the faint scent of lavender that she pinned to the door. We had agreed upon this so that I may be sure I am at the right door in the blackness of the castle night. Scratching slightly on the door I hear her scratch back and then quietly, excitedly she opens her door and I creep in. I grab her hand in the darkness and she grips mine in return. Softly we slide to her tiny cot and sit down together. We kiss each others hands in the darkness. With the blackness of night I am a blind person. I caress and kiss her smooth delicate skin, there is a faint scent of lavender on them. I have only touch and smell as we cannot see and we cannot speak.

       We slip closer to each other, I can feel her little trembles through her habit. We clumsily find each others face and I smooth her hair away from her face and she slips her delicate fingers behind my neck. Due to my vows I no longer have hair. Soon her head will be shaved also to honor our God. After several attempts we find each others lips. Her lips so moist, so thick and I kiss them passionately. She timidly returns mine and I hold her closer, assuring her with my arms around her that she is safe with me.

       Kissing no longer satisfies me. I have to feel her, touch her, know her. I gently pull at her habit and she helps me to take off my habit. We slip under her thin blanket and hold each other,  I kiss her cheeks, her nose and nuzzle my face in her neck. She eagerly returns her passion to me and I am emboldened, I begin to explore the rest of her body. Because she is so timid she follows my lead and caresses my body. Now I am done, I can never return to my place, laying with her there can be no future in this place. I only desire a future with her.

       We have both been deprived, since childhood. We did not grow up with mothers and fathers and siblings. We both have only known this religious life. Why did no one tell me of this thing, this passion that is coursing through my blood? The feel of her skin, her smell and now her taste. I wash her with my tongue. I want to taste every part of her. I want to lay with her every day of my life. This is magic that is in the room. The world does not exist outside her door.

       She caresses me and delicately strokes my thighs. I want to scream in ecstasy. I feel her warm breath on my body and I touch her and desire her flesh. I want to possess her but I do not yet realize that she already possesses me. We are done, I will die if I have to part from her for even a day. I hear the sound of small animals outside the window, creatures from the forest. That is where we should be together. I try to whisper in her ear of my love for her but she quiets my mouth with her finger tips. Finally we join together and are released. I lay next to her listening to the sound of her gentle breathing.

       Strength and will power help to put my habit back on and slip out of her room. Stealing down the corridors I find my way back to my room, my lonely cot in a dark and dank building. I awake with a start. I can hear voices in the yard below my window. When  look out I see the nuns are leaving us and returning to their journey. She is with them. They leave and the gate is closed behind them. I fall to the ground as my heart sinks into my gut. She has left me. Any hope I had has left and I will be stuck in this religious order for the rest of my life. A priest, a lonely priest.